Last night I drank for the first time in 37 days. My second relapse since coming to AA a few months ago; last time I had 49 days before I poured poison down my throat (and subsequently ended up in hospital for 2 days, but that’s another story).
It was a classic case of perfectionism and the need for control gone awry. I wanted my OA abstinence and AA sobriety to be the same, because I felt I wasn’t truly ‘sober’ while still using food. I could have just changed my sobriety date, but no, I decided to make myself ill with booze instead. It wasn’t even fun! I didn’t even get properly drunk! Alcohol just doesn’t work for me anymore, and as much as I don’t like that fact, I need to accept it and stop flogging a dead horse. Or taking a dead horse to wine, or whatever.
I dragged my sweaty, nauseous mess of a self to an AA meeting this morning (I had a service position, I wouldn’t have gone if I hadn’t, especially as I have already not shown up for a service position at another meeting after my first relapse). I sat there feeling sorry for myself for an hour and a half, listening to other people sharing feelings and thinking ‘God you’re all so self-indulgent, what about ME?! Pay attention to ME!! Talk about hypocritical. Then I slunk off quickly and went to a church hoping to find God, which I’ve been doing for the last week or so. He wasn’t in today, or I couldn’t see him, or he just doesn’t like me.
Another reason I drank yesterday was because I was feeling sorry for myself and decided that God has abandoned me. Because he hasn’t sent me any signs, spoken to me or showed up exactly when I have been asking him to. I don’t even know whether I believe in God – I thought I was an atheist 2 weeks ago – so you can tell how desperate and possibly crazy I am.
As well as all of that inner drama, I’ve also been on day 1 of abstinence for OA, after a horrible binge fest. I’ve only just realised how illogical it is to want to align sobriety and abstinence, I’m doubling the work. Sobriety was going FINE until I decided that the dates needed to match. Anyway, I’ve kept to my food plan today and it’s a bit of a relief actually. Maybe this is the surrender that everyone bangs on about. I don’t have to think about food or bingeing as it’s not an option today.
I still want to overeat, but I’m not going to just for today. I helps that it’s miserable outside and I got soaked walking my dog, so I’m not too inclined to go out and buy binge food. I will probably end up going to bed ridiculously early just to get the day over, but that’s OK. Whatever it takes to get abstinent just for today.