I haven’t written in a few days – guess where I’ve been! In a food and booze coma! I’m very predictable; if I’m not doing well then I’ll disappear, ignoring texts, calls, emails, writing, and the world in general.
It all started on Tuesday. I was doing fine, day 4 of abstinence, then BAM! Out of nowhere came an enormous craving to get drunk and eat a box of doughnuts. I fought the craving (which started out a 10/10 in intensity) talked about it, reached out to others, wrote pros and cons, spoke to my sponsor. The craving decreased after a while and settled at about 6/10 in intensity. I could have ignored it at this point. BUT! I didn’t want to. I wanted to drink and binge, confident in the fact that I would enjoy myself, indulge, and likely feel a bit rubbish the next day. I was fine with that – those consequences were manageable.
What I did not bank on was the following:
- The binge lasting 5 days (the first 2 with alcohol) and showing no signs of relenting
- Spending the last £100 I had to live on for the next 2 weeks, in 4 days on food
- Having 39p left to get me through til next Friday
- Having to lie to my Dad to get more money
- Stealing a sausage roll to get my fix of greasy pastry
- Isolating myself from everyone
- Lying to my family about what was going on
- Lying to my therapist about what was going on
- Not showering, caring for myself or my surroundings
- Neglecting all the good routines I had built up like getting up early, praying, reading the Big Book and going to meetings
- Not turning up to the AA meeting I had volunteered to do service out (without telling anyone)
- Not walking my dog who I adore and who needs exercise!
- Not watering my plants, which are now dying
- Ignoring all the things I had wanted to do.
It’s a real reminder of powerlessness. I thought I had the power to stop the binge at will – after a day or two = when I wanted my life back. That’s not how addiction works. It wants to take everything I have and won’t relent just because I want it to. Next time I want to dip my toes into the ‘enjoyable’ parts of my addiction, I need to remember that I’m playing with fire. That I may not resurface for a long time. That it will make me do things I don’t want to do. That it will hurt others by making me lie and steal to feed it. That the price for ‘enjoying’ it will be that it takes away the real enjoyment in my life. That it’s disabling and shameful. This is not how I want to live.