I’m on a roll with this binge – 6 days in a row! I wish that was something to celebrate. Today my food has been:
- Coffee with soymilk x 3
- 1 sausage roll (I usually eat meat, so I’m not sure what this is about)
- 5 jam doughnuts
- 5 chocolate doughnuts
- Fizzy juice drink
- Sparkling water
- Bowl of fried rice, chickpeas and tofu
I’ve told my sponsor about my crazy eating and lack of abstinence, and she has recommended that I just push on with the program. Considering I keep getting to Step 7 and then binging, I think this is a wise move.
I had made my Step 8 list already, so I started making amends last night. I called Sister 1 and apologised for a big list of wrongs, and committed to trying to change my behaviour from now on. To be less selfish, more grateful and more helpful. It was scary and hard to do. Today, I did the same with both my parents and Sister 2, as well as emailing a load of people in my past and various shops/bars/businesses that I owe money to. It has been icky and unpleasant but I’ve done it anyway. I don’t see how this will help me stop eating, but I’m putting my faith in the program and seeing what happens.
The people I’ve spoken to were happy to hear the apology and grateful for me admitting/taking responsibility for myself. My Mum and Sister 1 were emotional and seemed like they were about to cry. I’m humbled by how much they all care about and love me! (YAY for this feeling!) I’m not sure why I felt so nervous and stressed (and still do feel very tense).
As many of the amends have a financial component, I’ve not been able to ‘complete’ a lot of them, so it will be an ongoing process. I’m glad I’ve made a start, and pray that I’ll get some recovery in the food soon.
Here’s a picture of how I feel right now (I don’t know either).