I did a bit of research about inpatient treatment centres for addiction and binge eating/compulsive overeating. I’ve had a lot of treatment – therapy, medication and psychiatry – for depression but not for my alcoholism and eating disorders. I ended up going for a consultation at treatment centre yesterday and my insurance has approved a stay there starting tomorrow.
As well as this exciting yet daunting news, the psychiatrist there has suggested I might have BPD (borderline personality disorder, now known as emotionally unstable personality disorder). It was a bit of a shock, even though it’s been suggested by other professionals before, and I have long suspected that I have something going on that bog standard depression doesn’t explain. If anything, I thought I might have Bipolar type 2 or adult ADHD.
The term ‘personality disorder’ immediately sounds judgemental, as if there is something inherently wrong me with as a person, as opposed to an illness or disease which affects me. It’s also quite frightening to hear that I have something seriously wrong with me, that will affect every aspect of my life, has a 10% fatality rate (through suicide) and is incurable!
I know not to get too bogged down in labels, and that having a label doesn’t change me as a person. But still, it’s scary and a big thing to digest. BPD’d people have been described to me (by a mental health worker no less) as ’emotional blackholes who are incessantly needy’. Nice!
I’ll likely get more clarification on BPD when I go into treatment tomorrow – whether I do have it, whether it’s permanent, and whether I can try a mood-stabiliser medication like lamotigrine (lamictal). I’ve been on and off anti-depressants for years with limited success. It feels like I can’t fully kick depression; it always comes back in predicable cycles regardless of whether I’m taking meds, stressed or not stressed, fat or thin, etc etc.
The treatment centre will be taking full control of my food – how much, what & when, so I guess I will have a kind of forced abstinence. I hope that this will make me to deal with emotions and problems without using food, and give me some space to straighten out my head. There’s no phones, laptops, books or TV allowed to make us focus 100% on recovery. Not having my phone is going to be SO hard! I’m a compulsive googler and a wikipedia addict!
It’ll be an interesting experience, even putting aside the therapy, just to see how I manage without external stimulation and modern life’s amenities.
Wishing you a wonderful few weeks x